I had my 3-monthly appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. The first thing that he always asks is “so…how have you been doing?” with this big smile and expectant air. Being the people pleaser I am I can’t bring myself to say something truthful like “I’ve been having bouts of depression, drinking like a fish and generally feeling like I can’t cope with life”. Instead I say “Not bad at all. I’m so much better. That stint in your clinic really helped. The medication helped” The bits about the clinic and medication are true enough but I’m pretending I’m better than what I’m really feeling. As he continued to question me I eventually conceded I still struggled with anxiety. He said I should practice going through all the scenarios from worst to best that I can associate with any event that cause me anxiety and then repeat my fears until they become boring. My dosage of Brintelex and mood stabilizer what increased. I also got a repeat for Urbanol which is a mild sedative that works well for anxiety.
Why do I always feel like a failure when leaving from the shrink’s office. Even leading up to the visit I feel like crap. It’s like I don’t want to be asking for help or want to pretend everything is fine when it’s not. I’ll only be seeing him again in six months but in between I’m supposed to see a cognitive behavioral psychologist. Yipee!