My drug and alcohol antics have now caused a crisis point in my life.
Yesterday afternoon my boss spoke to me after he came looking for me in the bar (and found me!). He is a really nice guy and a recovering alcoholic himself so he understands the struggle. What caused him concern was that he thought my downward spiral rate was increasing and other colleagues are noticing. I’m good at my work and I always deliver so he admits he cannot fault me on that, at least. But I’ve agreed to get on and stay on the wagon with him.
My wife also noticed I wasn’t sober when I got home (because I’d smoked a spliff on my way, and even I was worried that I’d gotten too stoned). When she asked me if I’m “all right” the guilt made me break eye contact when I said “yes”, so she took it as a “no” and I confessed (at least about the drinking). I begged her not to make a scene in front of the children, but she did. My 6-year old boy started crying and he shouted at me “why did you drink, you know you’re allergic to it”. My 8-year old girl didn’t seem too fazed and I made it clear that Mom was being bossy and picking a fight again. This is not untrue but I did unfortunately employ it as a manipulating tactic. My wife cooled off after I promised her, in front of the children, never to drink another drop in my life. My boss had warned me how my drinking would cause drama in my family.
As she has done the last 3 times, my dear wife also contacted my parents. She phoned my father while I was standing there telling him I’d come home drunk “again”. Then she texted my mother (whom she hates) to tell her what her “golden boy” had done again. My parents had suffered through a period of heavy abuse with me in my early 20’s and I got texts from both of them telling me to get help.
As you can probably guess I’m not feeling quite on top of the world today knowing I had given my boss, wife, son and parents cause for concern all in one day (about something I KNOW is a problem). And they don’t even know about 80% of my recent habits. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself since this morning but my boss kind of cheered me up and I’m going to take it one sober day at a time and hope I reach “forever”. Feel like such a loser!