Yesterday I was in a funk. I’m not happy with my “status in life”. It boils down to my current job vs my previous career. The latter was way more glamorous and better paying than the former, but I got burn-out from it after 8 years and found myself in a rehab for mood disorders and (surprise surprise!) addiction. Yes I know how superficial I must sound not being grateful for the honest government job I have and instead yearning for the excitement and bonus pools of investment banking. What depresses me even more is that I don’t want to be that guy who over identifies with his job or his level of income. I’m supposed to be more enlightened than that. But just having a meeting in one of the top merchant banks set me off on an inferiority/jealousy trip, wondering if I’ll ever be able to meet that standard again. I’m inching my way towards my forties and I just don’t feel fulfilled. It’s not just work but that’s a major part of my unhappiness. I’m basically feeling like a prima donna: this job’s beneath my grand intelligence, talents and personality. It’s such a douchy outlook to have! Nevertheless, I can’t get rid of it. With my current attitude I know that I would remain an unhappy individual even if I won the biggest lottery tomorrow. So I’m working on my mind. Doing little things like starting to exercise and smoke less. I let the dog lick me all over my face while lying on my back and never lifting a hand to stop his schmootching no matter how deep he sticks his tongue into my nostril (2-3 minutes is my maximum time before it starts freaking me out – cause he just gets rougher). Read some Dostoyevsky today, had pizza with my family, watched Lord of the rings with my boy and helped my wife choose a new car. And would you believe it…with all these ordinary activities my day’s been fine today. There’s even a semblence of slight happiness! Woe is tomorrow, but today’s been cool (even when everybody in the pizza joint were having shots, beers and g&ts before 12 noon – the lucky bastards!)
Are you feeling me out there?