After nearly two solid weeks of AA (and another two sober on my own) I’ve picked up the bottle again today. Why?
My week started off great with a Monday straight from my Higher Power Himself – I felt so serene, so connected to the world and so on top of things. Meanwhile I had this thought growing in the murky depths of my mind that I should sync my sobriety “birthday” with the attendance of an AA meeting. Those two weeks on my own power was something I couldn’t properly process within the whole AA recovery framework. On Tuesday I became sick, a mixture of allergies, sinus and depression that left me barely able to keep my eyes open. Wednesday the illness continued and I stayed at home sleeping most of the time. Today I’m still sick – and also demotivated and depressed (mainly with my job) – so I came to work not knowing how I would cope with the day. On top of this, my favorite podcast hadn’t uploaded when I woke up and remained absent during my long commute to the office. It was more than a little irritating.
When my boss asked about my health I told him I was still feeling sick and he recommended I have some whisky or brandy to remedy the situation. I reasoned that I couldn’t feel worse if I tried so I opted for a “nip” of gin (it doesn’t smell as strongly as whisky). Now I’ve consumed most of it and I feel somewhat better although my main concern still looms large and I still feel ill. What I want is a new job back in the wholesale banking sector where I will get paid more and work with motivated people on challenging deals. I’ve been thinking of launching a campaign via LinkedIn to strike up closer relationships with potential employers and sell myself to them over a 3 – 6 month period. From the advice I got from a marketing guru it seems it may take even longer and require about 15 messages per targeted person to get to the point where I can “close the sale”. I’ve been working on a draft for the first message but I’m overcome by the feeling of hopelessness and even drinking is not taking this away.
I’m considering what I’ll be saying at my AA meeting tomorrow evening. I’m also considering not going at all. The struggle continues.